Nicky's Story - You Are Not Alone & Where to Turn

I am 14 (Or will be on the 29th of Oct), live in IL and am being home schooled. And since you asked and I really do need to get some of it off my shoulder, I will tell you some of my story. Here it goes....
Okay, in my life i have delt with a great number of problems. I willtell you first of the problems I have gone through with my Father. He is an alchoholic as are all the males in my family. He isn't as bad as he used to be, but he still drinks quite a bit and tries to hide it. Let me give you some history on my father to make this easier for you to understand. My father has never hit me or abused me pysichally. He works for an big organization and is vice-president. He makes over $100,000 a year and likes everyone to know it. When I was little twice, he almost burned thehouse down from passing out and leaving the stove on and didn't show up to my 5th birthday party because he was drunk. My parents divorced when i was 7. My father remarried when I was 9 and because my stepmom didn't like me or my brother, we weren't allowed to call the house and only saw him for once every two weeks. Than, we he was going to take me and my brother to Six Flags, in the car he started telling me that "The people" wanted him to turn around and go against traffic! I was sitting there completely confused by what he was talking about and just kept asking him what he meant and he kept asking me what he should do. So, I guess he decided to listen to "the people", because he than turned the car around and bashed into the car behind us. Luckily, nobody was seriously hurt, but I still can't beleive he would get drunk and drive with us in the car especially. My brother forgave him easily (He is a sweetheart), but I cut off all contact with him for 2 years. He scrared me to death. He is currently living in Arizona and I visit him once a month each year. Ironic as it is, I have come to be very close with my stepmother (the one who I thought didn't want us around) and found out things I never knew, that make it much more clear about the things that happend in the past. I wouldn't visit my father at all if she wasn't there. Well, enough about my father, lets travel through some of my other problems.

Now, I went through a period in my life of extreme depression and at an unusually young age. It started in 3rd grade. I had no friends at school and got teased horribly because I was so quite and kept to myself all the time. I mean, it is sad how cruel such young kids can be. They were absolutly horrible and I was literally too scared too go to school. I would make myself sick by crying so much and not eating that I would constantly throw up. I stayed in bed all day and three times attempted suicide. And this all happend when I was only nine. I would make my mother cry all the time and we would get into these screaming fights..it was awful. And when I went to a therepist about it, he told me after our session that he thought I was crazy and not to see him again. I was almost never going to school and was making myself so sick that one day, I got up out of bed and passed out onto the floor. I than got sent to the hospital and was diagnosed with Anorexia. So, I everybody immediantly decided that I was so depressed because I thought I was fat or something, and that had absolutly nothing to do with it. One day, I had this absolutly beautiful dream, yet it was horribly scary. I have never told this dream to anyone. I dreamed that I was laying in my bed and my Grandmother (who was dead, and I was really close to) came and sat next to me on my bed. She asked my what my dream in life was and I told her. Than she told me that it was a beautiful dream andI can make it happen, but I was going in the wrong direction. She told me that I was making her very sad, because I was going to die soon and it's not my time. She said I was going to die of sadness and self-pity, and she coudln't stand seeing me do this to myself. She told me that I had to just get out of bed and live my life. She said at first you will feel even worse than I did, but that is what it is like to tear yourself away from this hole I had dug myself. It was like withdrawl form drugs or something. And if I just looked straight haead and never looked any direction but that, I could make it. And than she left. And the next day I got up and went to school. I was teased and questioned by everyone and it was awful, but I just ignored them all. Finally, I started getting along with everyone. I became very outgoing and eventually excepted by mots of the kids...that is except a few of the really snobby ones. I have much more story to tell, but not much more time at the moment..if you would like to hear the rest, I would be happy to tell you..I need to tell someone since I never really have told anyone the WHOLE story...

Okay, I will tell you the rest of my story now. Now, where was I ?Ah,yes..I had just got out of my depression. Now, I became very popular all of the sudden and I started to hang around the most popular girl in school. Lets call her Tara. Okay, Ijust want to tell you that this is all in 5th grade. And is one of the most regreted and shameful periods of my life. You will soon learn why. Now,me and Tara became "best friends". We always hung around eachother..I mean, I stayed the night at her house almost everynight. I was barely ever home. And, to put it lightly, Tara was a huge slut. And unfortunatley, I wanted to be just like her. Also, both me and Tara looked (and still do) ALOT older than our true age at the time, wich was 11. We passed for 15 or 16 easily if not older. And of course we took advantage of that fact. We would date guys around 16 or 17. We were really stupid. Her mom didn't care what she did and I just though her mom as being wonderful for that. We would go to guys houses late at night and do all kinds of stupid and dangereous stuff. I never did have sex with any though. I was too scrared and I am glad I was. Tara of course did many times over. But I got dangereously close a few times. Also, sometimes the guys that we would go out to me would bring pot and stuff like that...one time the guy even brought acid. Everyone took some including myself and it was the scariest moment in my life. All I remeber that night is seeing the floor try to eat my feet and than hearing someone yell "cops" and feeling soemone grab my hand and telling me to run or I would get busted. But, what i am trying to get at is that I was still depressed as ever, just showing it in a different way. I was trying to smother it with a dangereous and exciting life. I was trying to be so busy I wouldn't notice it. Meanwhile, my mother and I where on awful terms and I don't even want to think about the hell I must have put her through. Now, to the other part of this story, Tara's Dad was a drunk also.Way worse than my dad. And I stayed over there most everynight of course.Well, one night me and Tara got in this huge fight and I slept on the couch in the living room. I remeber laying there trying to get to sleep when i heard her dad come in. Her mom was gone out somewhere and it was only me, Tara and her dad. I don't want to really get into what all happend. I am starting to shake all over just thinking about it. I think you know what happend.Oh, god. It was so horrible and I was so scrared. Oh, man, I am shaking all over the place. The weird thing was...as it was all happening, I saw Tara peak down the stairs and look at me. I was crying all over and couldn't really see, but I think she was crying too. She looked right at me and than turned and went back into her room. The next morning she didn't talk to me and just kinda ignored me. Than later that afternoon her mom asked me in front of her if I wanted to stay over again. She looked me right in the eyes and for a moment, I felt this huge compasion from her because I relized that that was probably something that had happend to her alot. And that maybe she was just like me. trying to hide her depression in all the chaos. But the only thing was, I had a choice. I didn't have to live like that. And I think she was trying to let me escape because at that very moment she just looked at me and said "Nicki can't stay over anymore. Her mom wont let her". Now when she said that she gave me this sorta half smile. And I knew she was telling me to run and get out. She never listened to adults, and she would have never said that under normal situations.

Well,to be honest, that was a very shrot version of my entirestory. But it's all I feel like going into at the time being. Maybe someday Iwill tell you everything, but for now this will do. Wow, that really broughtback some strong emotions. I think I am just going to go to bed now and tryto forget about it all. It made feel really sick, that story, but alsovery good for getting it off my chest. And I just want to tell you at thetime I am doing pretty good. I have grown up alot. In fact, most people tellme they are astounded by my maturity. I have lived and learned alot. And Iam only 14 (lol). I have three very close friends who are the best I couldever have. And I don't mix with the wrong crowd...and unlike I used to, I speak my mind and will stand up formyself in any situation. I am also not at all as guy dependent as I used to be. It used to be that I would slut myself around looking for any guy and willing to do anything, as long as they would say all the sweet stuff that is so easy to say and promise to love me.I guess I was trying to fill in what I felt lacking in real life, love and acceptence. I don't feel in lack of that any more :)

Yours Truly,
Nicole